Worry; the Ugly Baby

I have this inherent need to be prepared for the big things in life...natural disasters, medical problems, work issues, emergency situations, and of course, big life changes.  Flashlights at the ready, extra warm blankets on the beds, epi-pens and band-aids, stocked pantry...Mr. Man's cape ironed.  You know, regular emergency stuff.

The moment I became a mother, I swear I gave birth to not only a beautiful babe, but to two other ugly babies: Guilt and Worry.  I had been given such a great responsibility that I Worried I wouldn't be able to handle it or to keep the baby safe, and then I, of course, felt Guilty for being imperfect and for Worrying.

Worry is the bigger "ugly baby" for me than Guilt.  If I am not careful I can be consumed by it.

Even now as my kids are school-aged, I worry about crazy stuff.  Are my kids going to get lost today? Are they going to fall off the sidewalk as we walk down main street?  Will someone take their pizza money?

Am I feeding them enough meat?

Do I need to spend more time reading with them, or doing math flash cards?

I just have to be ready for anything.

What will happen if there is a fire?

What will happen if I get sick?

It can really get me down.  Tell me I'm not the only one.

I honestly don't know how many times I have asked Mr. Man what to do if the car drives into the lake. Do I roll the windows down or leave them up?  Do automatic windows even work when they are wet?  

I just have to be ready for anything.

GAAAHHG!

So now I have come up with a remedy to clear my mind when Worry tries to take over.  I start an anti-worrying game, kind of like positive thinking, but sillier: The Positive "What ifs".

"What if... Little Miss was labelled a genius?"

"What if ... the person we helped on the street was a billionaire looking for an heir?"

"What if ... I got a call from a school that said I was the only person qualified to do the teaching job?"

"What if ... God sends us to Peterborough?"  "Or Africa?" 

The closest I got to a real adventure was a phone call one night in which the person at the other end was asking me to judge a cake competition in Arkansas.  I said, "What?"  And the lady went on and on about their culinary school, and how they need a fourth judge and someone gave them my name...

"Oh, wait." I said, suddenly realizing what was going on, "You need the Cakes by Erin from Illinois.  You are speaking to the Cakes by Erin in Canada."  And as she went on to appologize and try to get off the phone, my shoulders slumped, I hung up the phone, and kicked the sofa.

"I could've done that you know!" I said to Mr. Man.  "Crap!"  And I continued on making boring chicken with boring rice, in my boring corningware, in my boring house.

So, hey! What if I hadn't told them I was from Canada?  What if they hadn't believed me and paid thousands of dollars for me to fly down there, stay in a hotel and pretend I know something about culinary arts?

Could've happened.

One day I decided to engage Mr. Man in my game.  I threw some of these ideas at him, "What if a baby got dropped off on our front step?"  "What if it was an heir to billions?" "What if you became a volunteer fireman?"  "What if you became MAYOR!!"  He ignored me at first, then went a bit pale, then put a pillow over his face.  Eventually I could tell he had something to say;

"Oh, I know!" he said, excitedly, "What if everything stayed the same?" And he waved his hands in the air like it was some big deal.

Hmmph.  Well, that's no fun.

I'd like to think that I would be calm and controlled if something terrible ever happened.  Perhaps I could be the woman who steps in to take care of any situation, but probably not.  It doesn't matter how many flashlight batteries are in the cupboard, or how many cheese strings I pack in my purse.  Shit happens.  And of course, the Lord holds me and my family in His hands.  And I know that Worry is a sin.  SO WHAT if I drive really slow around lakes and rivers?

But the fact is that Jesus says, "Do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of it's own.  Take heart! I have overcome the world."  So today I will try not to fret over wee things and focus on the tasks at hand. Tomorrow?  I won't worry about it.  I will focus on the positive "What Ifs".

"What if ... the day is perfect?"

Well, who knows?

"What if ... Mr. Man joins the church council!!"

ADD and the Crafty Internet

I have been perusing the blogosphere this winter as the cake business is in it's slow season and I am surprised by the many unfinished blog pages that are out there.  Their authors have stopped submitting posts for months, perhaps years, and they are left to dangle in the internet world, incomplete.  Where have these people gone? What has happened that the recipe they promised is not posted, or the details of their trip have gone missing?  Did they forget their password?  Are they hurt?  Are they DEAD?

I am also surprised by how many bloggers, upon returning, mention a mental illness, or a syndrome as an excuse for the long/short-term absence. "I'm so sorry I haven't written, as I have been in an emotional low right now," or "OMG, I can't believe it's been three months since I wrote, my ADD has certainly kicked in! LOL!"  Okay, I am slightly exaggerating, and realize that I may, in fact, fall under one of these categories if I am not careful.

I come from a long line of "starters."  We start something, fly high with it, and then, when we get bored, walk away from it, and leave it unfinished.  From ridiculous collections, to absurd hobbies, many in my family have tried several jobs, activities and projects only to be overcome with lethargy, and answer, "Oh, I'm not doing that anymore" to friendly inquiries.  Ebay has taken over several of these lives, and their purses.  Etsy is another, with all of its handmade wonderfulness.  But Pinterest has got to be one of the best feeders of us attention deficit and obsessive compulsive consumers.  We find ourselves clicking away, pinning and repinning our next project, our "get rich" scheme, and all the possible ways to DIY.  Delicious!  The living room fills with the tools we need: modge podge, hot pink yarn, various colours of felt, googly eyes, owl shaped buttons, and sisal rope.  My heart rate increases as I turn a rusty bowl into a piece of art, or knit a sweater that looks like a puppy.  How many ways can you turn a piece of paper into a flower?  Bags and bags of hot glue and cloth remnants cover the coffee tables.  By January, the vein in Mr. Man's forehead strains itself each time he walks into my "crafting corner."

I sincerely tried to complete most of my ideas.  Some I've completed but they fell apart.  Some I've thought I finished but realized I did not know how to knit.  "Oh, well, I guess I'll donate that..."  And yet some made great gifts for friends and family.  I will soon be known as that aunt who made the weird container gifts for Christmas.

But I promise I will continue to bless you, readers, with my nonsense.  I will work hard to not leave these pages unfinished and alone.  And if for some unforeseen reason I must take a permanent leave of absence I will leave Mr. Man with explicit instructions to announce the end of this blog.  I will not leave you hanging.

Consequently, I have since turned to craftgawker, foodie blogs and twitter.  Just as my father continues to collect tractor parts and bows down to the Massey-Harris god, and Mrs. Google continues to seek random information, perhaps I will become a foodie or a jewelry maker, and quit this silly cake business.  Hmmm.

And, if I am completely organized, you can hear all about it on my twitter account.  But don't tell Mr. Man.  His heart can't take it.

*****

The picture above contains one of my successful projects, a sisal rope basket (yes, the oranges are real.)